I believe that there are so many thoughts which come out wrong when you are saying them aloud or people do not understand them or you cannot explain well. Writing them however is something extremely different.
This statement is necessary because letting go requires the epic battle between the heart and the mind, between logic and love, between common sense and spontaneity. And when you are in a state of war, expression is what wins it.
You would wonder now, who is this individual? Who is this person, on a Saturday afternoon, writing a soppy blog when the rest of the world is preparing to party the night away?
Let me please introduce myself. I am a 27 year old house wife at heart who loves to eat, who loves to make people eat and whose world revolves around her five year old son and just a little older husband. I still believe that there is good in this world, that flowers are the best gifts and that I should have been born into the Crawley Family at Downton Abbey during the early 1900s (you will find many TV series references as I am a huge fan. Also I would love a maid who would dress me). Writing is my passion and I am extremely passionate about everything I like.
So you see the reason I am writing about letting go is extremely simple. I just wrote the above lines in total and complete silence. Uninterrupted, without a five year old discussing his biggest problem in life.
In a whim of being a responsible i-am-not-typical parent, my Husband and I decided to send our five year old, to his Grandparents house for spring break, alone, in another city.
Before you slam the laptop lid shut of smack your phone against the wall proclaiming me crazy, I request a little bit of patience.
As an Army wife and a teacher, during these six short years, I have been exposed to different kinds of people. People who claim to love their children unconditionally, disciplinarians, the I’m-scared-of-my-kid crowd, people who think their kids are the best and many more. I always wanted to be different. When I held him in my arms for the first time, I realized that that all of the above people are so true. Because you see once you become a parent, right and wrong ceases to exist.
Often during taking showers when your kid is banging the door down, or when you are working and your kid wants to tell you about his day or when you finally sit down to eat after settling the husband the kid wants to poop; you want time off, you need time off. You want to put a scotch tape over all mouths and shower without noise listening to old Indian Songs.
So why is it that when the time comes and your five year old is at the check in counter, looking at you and waving goodbye, your heart constricts and your eyes well up? Did I not want this?
Why is it that when you shower, you want to hear the same door slam, when you work you want to hear the constant commentary and when you sit down to eat you want to rush to the bathroom?
It is then when you question yourself. Why did I do this? And it is then when you find the answer; because I love him.
You see if you don’t let go of the hand, your child will never learn how to walk. I believe that it is important to make your child feel that you trust him, that he is an adult, that he is responsible because he will be what you make him believe.
It is hard to let go. The sense of realization that you are not needed as you once were, is something we, especially women, cannot accept.
Economics has termed it as opportunity cost, a benefit that a person could have received but gave up. So its ok to be scared of letting go, to feel your heart break because if we don’t break, we don’t heal.
Now I shall go and smell my son’s T shirt and smile, because today I let it go for love….
18.03.17, Saturday, 5:45 pm